Growing up I knew I wanted to have 2 kids; a boy and a girl. A symmetrical family that would fit perfectly in the suburbs. For most of my life, this was my dream.
Now at age 34, I don’t know if I want kids.
It’s odd because my actions are sort of preparing me for fatherhood: I tackle life’s obstacles head on, I try to lead by example, I love my godson Carter, I’ve got dad jokes, and I find stories of parenting very interesting.
Stories of how a father maintains and grows their family through the chaos of life are enlightening. I soak up all I can from their experiences because we share the same belief that the most important thing in life are relationships.
Even with an affinity for fatherhood, I don’t have a desire to be a father. As a human male, shouldn't I have an innate desire to procreate?
It’s an empty feeling; a sense of indifference coupled with not wanting to feel indifferent. For the longest time, I needed an answer.
Why do I feel this way?
Our instant gratification culture has conditioned me to feel entitled. Every question has to be answered, and it has to be answered immediately. Google trained us well.
What’s more insidious is that the need for an answer implies that there is a problem: I felt like there was something wrong with me for even questioning fatherhood. This quest for an answer only made me feel inadequate and lost.
Whenever I’m in a rough spot I turn to contentment: the idea that things are good as they stand right now. Contentment isn't sexy, doesn't boost the economy, and won't get you any likes on Instagram. Yet, it has always led me in the right direction, which is that my life is good as-is, blemishes and uncertainty included.
Trying to find answers when there are none is a waste of time, a distraction, and unhealthy.
Trying to force an answer will lead to regret.
Not all questions have answers and that’s okay.
Maybe in a couple years I'll finally feel that desire to become a father. Maybe I won’t. Either way, I'll be just fine. Life is more interesting when you don't know what's going to happen next.